vague and distant

no more cigarettes. no more. uh. this is so embarrassing to write about. i was at work today, as it felt like the world was falling down around me, and speaking to dad on the phone. i was stressed. mum was stressing me out about my trip the philippines next week. and so, as has so often been the case lately, i poured my heart out to him. and the more he understood, the more he comforted, the more i wanted to cry.

a contingency plan for my life isn't something i have right now, and i realise i have always needed one, because life doesn't always go the way you want it to. and right now, i'm being tested. tested more than i have ever been. i realise how lucky i've had it, overall. but now, it's falling on my shoulders to do something to fix everything that is coming back to bite me on the ass.

i was yelling over the phone at my father, in the middle of little collins street. dismissing his advice for the future, as that doesn't help the present. and yes, i will learn from this but right now, today, i am struggling. struggling to find answers. struggling to find solutions. struggling to be comprehensible. perhaps time in the philippines will be good. time to sit back, read, write and reflect (as gay as that sounds). i miss my grandmother, someone i love more than i can express, so laying next to her and soaking all the wisdom from her that i can will be great. and wisdom is definitely something i need more of right now. i always thought that the wisest people are the ones you can learn things from, even in silence.

i apologise to those who i love, and those who love me, for not being more attentive. i'll be back.


iTunesNowPlaying : John Legend - Ordinary People